Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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