Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
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