I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
