real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
