one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
