I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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