K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
