One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
