My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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