you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Randomize
