I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize