he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
