God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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