dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
