If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
