We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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