so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
