The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
