only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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