Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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