you win again, gameday.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
