Ambien. No doubt about it.
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Randomize
