nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
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