My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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