I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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