Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
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