I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
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