the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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