Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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