Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
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