every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
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