i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
