Barsexuality is the new black.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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