just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
His hands were made for my vagina.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
We need a shit load of segways right now
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
