all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
