My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Randomize
