u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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