when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
