if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
