so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
