Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
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