Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Randomize