why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
