just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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