my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
