If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
