you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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