Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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