grandma shit on top of the toilet
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Randomize
