I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
