Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
