If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
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