who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Randomize
