Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Randomize
