Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Randomize
