If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
tell me about the eggs
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
