he wants to bone in the snuggie
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize