He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
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