ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
